Friday, July 31, 2009

Thinking Normal!?!

I have to admit I have had a very hard week. I have been seriously struggling with depression. I went off my antidepressant before I was ready and now I am having an emotional crisis.
It's so FREAKING frustrating feeling like I'm 'that' person. 'That' person who has to take a dam pill just to think normal, just to get out of bed in the morning, just to feel okay about taking a shower. The pill makes it so I can actually make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for my son without feeling totally overwhelmed.
I feel so screwed up and mentally unstable. Life is hard, everyone has trials and struggles, but I feel like mine are drowning me.

1.My mom is dieing of cancer
2. My husband works at LEAST 80 hours a week as a resident
3. I have depression ..... NEED I SAY MORE
4. I have 2 small children
5. It's 113* degrees here and too hot to go outside.
6. We are buying a house and it needs a little work, but I have to do it all myself because see #2

I won't lie, I have thought that dieing was the only way to finally end this fucking reality. Really, I feel like everything is just a big band-aid. I want lasting solutions, not ones that, if taken away or unavailable, or hard to get, will send me spiraling into the darkest mental abyss.

Think happy thoughts, it's not about thinking, it's about becoming incapacitated because your son wants you to get him a drink of water. I keep thinking if I just pray hard enough, if I be a better person, God will take this away. I must be doing something wrong. Why is it not going away. I guess God wants me to take that pill.
Every day, 1 pill, every day a glimpse into the lives of 'normal' people. The pill makes me 'normal'. I hate that pill; I despise it. I want to dam it to a life of exile, but I can't live without it.


BIG KK and little k said...

You are so not alone! I have to take that dreaded pill every day or I too become overwhelmed with what other people may call the small stuff! I guess I should tell you this, I found your amazing (yes I said amazing and that doesn't even touch what I am trying to convey) but any who I found it blog hopping.I am so happy to see your blog everytime you have an update it makes me feel like someday maybe I too can create! So long story short if you ever want a vent go to my blog and leave a comment and then I can leave you my emailor something!

Thomas Family said...

Alright, I can't say that I totally understand because I've never had to go through what you are going through, but here is how I see it: people who have diabetes take a pill, people who have a yeast infection take a pill, people who have depression take a pill. You are not less of a person because you have to take a pill. If you are sick you take a pill. And if a pill makes you feel better then HURRAY! Because we love you and love it when you are feeling better. If you don't like the pill you take check out this website. I have heard really really really awesome things about this. My Mom takes these and about a billion other people in my home town.
Love you and we will be back soon! Hang in there!

Allie Thornbrue said...

Thank you for your thoughtful comment on our blog. It's nice to see people checking. Anyway, it's funny that I always thought the same thing about you!

As for depression, I totally hear you. While I don't struggle with depression myself (my mom and sister do), I think being a mom of young children will generally put any woman in the looney bin. My oldest is seven and it just now getting easier. My youngest is two, and not having an infant in the house--for the first time in seven years--has made all the difference.

James and I feel like we are becoming human again.

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