Friday, November 18, 2011

Does It Really Matter

Hubby and I played softball over the weekend and I bruised my heel. It is extremely painful to put weight on it. So, I either limp or walk on my tip toes. But let's be honest, my legs are cramping and getting really tight from it. So, I have decided to lay low until it is feeling better. Which has given me a lot of time to think.

So I have this friend who came over the other night to drop off some treats to thank my hubby for checking her daughter's arm. We started talking about weight loss because she is looking really good. She asked,"But is it really worth all this work just to be 15 pounds lighter? I'm still not happy."
Then I thought, "The thing is, I want to loose weight, but I am very happy with myself right now." See, I want to loose weight to be healthier and save some money because I have a closet full of cloths that I could wear, but at this size I don't have much. I don't obsess about fat rolls or double chins. I don't care what other people think about my weight. I am in a zen state right now because I have realized that food made me happy when I was struggling to survive. The high I got from food probably very likely kept me alive. So, I am grateful for it. Was it a healthy way to cope, probably not, but it worked for me at the time. I feel sexy climbing out of the shower and I haven't always been this way. I have muscles and flab, but I am just grateful I am still here to enjoy the body I have right now. I want to teach my daughter she can be beautiful no matter what size she is and to do that I have to believe it myself. I believe it. I feel beautiful. I am the happiest with myself right now then I have ever been (even at my skinniest). How did I reach this point in my life? Couple of things: #1Prayer, I asked for help to over come this weakness, to notice and pay attention to the thoughts I had about myself and to feel beautiful. #2 not ever allowing a negative thought about myself into my head. This is much harder then you might think and it was a lot of work for me, but soooooo worth it. #3 Hubby complements me all the time, but it's more about the way he looks at me. I feel sexy in his eyes.
So that's what's been floating around in my head lately.

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