Saturday, August 15, 2009

Welcome Back Brenda

Yesterday was a really good day for me. I did not sleep well, but Dave let me sleep in until 9am. I woke up and realized we were going to be late for Adam’s orientation for preschool. We rushed around the house getting ready. I ran over to our neighbor’s house, Amy, and asked her to watch Natalie for me while we were gone. After orientation, Amy hung around and I invited her to stay for lunch. She talked to me and played a little with the kids while I scrubbed the kitchen floor. After lunch we did a few errands together. It was really nice to have someone to help with the kids. She is really gentle and patient with my little ones. One of our stops was at Costco. We took our time and tried all of the samples. When we got home, I cooked some dinner for the kids and cleaned up. I spent the evening playing with the kids, putting them to bed, looking for a book that I had started to read, and watching some dumb TV show. I never did find the book, but I did start a different book that holds more promise of entertainment then the one I lost. I am feeling happier these days. I think the medication is starting to work. My husband has finally breathed a sigh of relief. He feels like he can relax now and stop watching my every move. He no longer has to analyze me words or actions to find any sign of suicide. We are in the process of buying our 1st home. There have been some very frustrating delays of late. The FHA home inspector filled out the paper work incorrectly and it took 3 days for him to correct it. So, now it is Saturday and we still haven’t signed for the house. We were supposed to sign on Wednesday. On Friday, he expressed his frustration and worries to me, the 1st time in a lone time. He told me he finally felt like he could let go of things because I was ‘coming back’. “Welcome back Brenda.” With tears in his eyes, he hugged me. I guess I never realized how hard this must be on him. He doesn’t understand what I feel or think, so he doesn’t understand what would bring me to suicide. It is frustrating for him to NOT understand or be able to heal me. All he knows is he doesn’t want to live with out me. All he can do is be there for me. He is forced to keep his stress to himself, too worried that it would push me over the edge. I feel sorry I have made him feel this way, but it is not something I chose for myself. It just is.

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