Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Flair up

I have Spina Bifida. It has been a big set back from time to time, but usually, I am active and pain free. Well, I guess I was due for a flair up because boy did I have one today.
I was walking and thought, "man my back is hurting a little." Seconds later I was in so much pain I couldn't move. I was stuck laying on the cold tile floor. I think I spent about 30-45 minutes there. It got pretty cold and hard.
Luckily, my 4 year old brought me my cell phone. I called around and had 2 friends who literally saved me. One friend came over very quickly and found my pain pills. While I laid on the tile floor (waiting for the painkillers to kick in) she took care of my kids, made me as comfortable as possible, and chatted with me. As soon as the pain had subsided enough for me to crawl to the couch, I did. I wasn't able to put any weight on my left leg for a long time, but I am doing much better. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO grateful for strong pain killers.
My other friend brought me lunch and cleaned my house. She also took my son to her house for a few hours, until my hubby could get off of work.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! to my 2 dear friends who were not on holiday and could help me off the floor;)

Also, my friend told me that some people where wondering why I have depression. Especially because they feel I am so talented. Funny question that is, especially from someone who doesn't understand or has never experienced depression. I would like to explain depression. I am NOT depressed because I think I am worthless or because I think negatively. Those who know me, know I am a very cheerful and upbeat person. That is not a facade. That is who I am when I am not depressed.
My depression started after I had my daughter. I got severe post partum depression. I was put on medication for it. When hubby graduated, our insurance changed and my psychologist didn't accept our new insurance. Long story short, my medicine ran out. I went off my anti-depressant cold turkey (that is a big no no with this type of medicine). I got really sick, went through withdraw and rebounded hard core. It was during the rebound, that I attempted suicide.
I have a hormonal/chemical imbalance. It is no different a disease than someone with diabetes or allergies. It is a medical problem that I have to take medication to treat. I wish all I had to do was think happy thoughts and I would be better, but it is not so simple.
My body doesn't balance itself out on its own. I have to have medication to replace the chemicals in my brain that non-depressed people's bodies automatically make. So, if you learn nothing else, it is a medical problem that I have absolutely no control over. My path was complicated by insurance which made my depression worse. BUT, I am treating it and pushing on and that is was really matters. Many may not understand my story, but that is why I openly share it. I want to create an awareness and better understanding of what depression really is. It is a disease, a malfunction in a person's body. It is not a disease that is visible to the naked eye, but still debilitating non the less.


Princess of Everything (and then some) said...

I am so very sorry about what happened to you today. Thank goodness for friends!

I suffer from depression also. You explained it perfectly. There is such a stigma with we are crazy. But you are right, it is an imbalance that is physical. Our bodies do not produce seritonin the way that it should.

~applaudes you for telling this~

Pamela and Austin Matthews (and Family) said...

Thanks for posting that about depression. It really makes me angry when some people, like my mom's CES supervisor, say that obviously if we are depressed we aren't praying or reading our scriptures enough! I talked to Dr. E over an hour on the day that I finally sought help. He said he thought those things were extremely important, but it was also important to eat right, exercise, and take my meds-- that it is important to be healthy physically and spiritally when you have depression but ALSO take your medication. It is amazing how different I am now with my medication! I still have my same troubles and issues, but it doesn't bother me anymore and I can handle things so much better. My scripture study and prayer life haven't changed-- only thing that has changed is my medication! Obviously, it is a physical issue otherwise meds wouldn't make a difference! (Ha ha, this is my soap box, can you tell?)

mommybake said...

I agree with you!! I have fought with depression/enxity for a long time. It gets REALLY bad after a baby - the hormons and eveything! But it took me three kids before I realized it was okay to get help!! And it wasn't because I didn't pray enough or have enough faith!! Now, after my 5th child, I asked to go back on it RIGHT after my baby was born. And since I have gotten help, by dad, and three of my sisters have gotten help! I wish people could understand what we go through and that we would love to not have to go through this!!

Glad you are doing better!!

Shane and Kim said...

I loved your matching pjs and the travel bag you made. Yesterday Shane found a white dresser at the DI. We washed it sanded it lightly. I took a darker paint I think it was sand color and painted it on, then with rags we wiped it off. If the paint was thick in spots I took a water bottle and sprayed it and wiped more off. It looks amazing. Now here is my question for you. I told Shane how that wax on the hocus pocus blocks made it look darker. We both think it needs something like that. Do I sand it lightly first or just let Shane go to town. I'm thinking we'll try a hidden spot first. I could've emailed you this. It's 3:30am what can I say. I hope your back gets better. Wish I lived closer to help.

Criscell said...

Thanks for sharing, Brenda. I have watched my mom struggle with depression for many years and I KNOW that meds are necessary and help SOOOOO much!!! I think you are very brave and courageous!

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