Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Reality Check

I read a post on The Mommy Files the other day about a blogger who had committed suicide. I had never heard about this woman until I heard about her death, but I felt connected to her in so many ways. Seeing the wake of sorrow left behind, made me take a step back.
I have been very open with my battle with depression, but I want people to better understand the despair and inability to find a way out. I want people to be able to better understand what one experiences with this disease. How it could lead to thoughts of suicide or eventually the lose of a life.
With depression, life seems to freeze in time, like you will feel this way forever or it will just keep coming back. Hopeless, comes to mind, but it feels like you are totally out of control inside with no way to release the turmoil deep within your soul. Something inside is fighting, clawing, screaming, crying, raging, but there is nothing you can do to calm it. It is over powering, overwhelming, and all consuming. It feels like the very jaws of Hell are opened wide ready to consume you. Darkness, lost, frightening, anxiety, panic, rage.
Imagine loosing someone close to you, your lover, your best friend, your parent, your child. The person a depressed person has lost is themselves. I am not sure how to truly explain what it feels like, but I hope my willingness to share has encouraged, uplifted, explained, and educated all those who have read my story.
My whole heart goes to this woman's family at this time. My prayers are with them.

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