Friday, April 30, 2010

Not out of the Woods Yet

Have you ever heard of Prozac poop out? Well, it is common slang for mental illnesses. Prozac has been known to work great for a while the totally stop working.
I have it. My Prozac has pooped out. I started having suicidal thoughts again last night. I was going to cut myself and just let myself bleed to death. Yes, graphic I know, but that is how I felt.
Let's be honest here, completely honest.   It hurts like HELL to think my kids would be better off without me. Not a normal way to think, but I can't help it. I wonder if I am doing more damage than good when I can't handle the messes, noise, touching, talking, EVERYTHING that is involved with having kids. I push my kids away because I am afraid will spank them or yell at them, so I ignore them. Which makes me feel worse because then I feel like a terrible mother.
It's hard to see how far I have come when I still feel the darkness all around me. I am fighting and battling, and not giving in to the urge to run into the kitchen and grab a knife. I am trying. I worry that sometime I will be too tired to fight any more. Last night, it took everything inside of me not to do it AND my husband was home. DAM IT! &@^$)#%(_*@#&($)@!*^$)&@!^$)*&% I just want to yell and throw a big temper-tantrum and swear.  I want to talk to (well speak very loudly) God and ask when will I get past this? When will I understand? What am I suppose to learn? How much longer? I am wearing out. I am weakening, I am caving, I am on the edge. Not a comfortable place to be.
I feel crazy and unstable. I am praying and keeping myself busy, but I am still at the edge. (deep breath). I know a lot of people have no idea what its like to experience this, but I seriously hope that someone who is experiencing this will read it and know I care. I care because I have been there, am there, will probably be there in the future. I may not have the answers (obviously because then I wouldn't be struggling right now) but I get it and I can offer a listening ear to those who just need to know someone gets it and cares. I am here for those who do need someone.


Pamela and Austin Matthews (and Family) said...

Brenda, thank you, as always, for being so honest. You have totally helped me; in fact, I often tell anyone who will listen that I feel that you and Dr. E saved MY life! It's also good to know about the "poop" out in case my meds ever stop working like that! If you ever need a break, why don't you come over and also bring the kiddos over? Our girls love each other and they can all play and you will be safe and sound at my house and I'll just let you do whatever you need to do-- read alone in my front room, take a nap, come talk with me, etc.! Please take me up on this... even in the middle of the night I can come over and just be with you if you need it! Love you girl!

Criscell said...

I'm so sorry, Brenda. My heart goes out to you. What can I do to help? I'm here for you.

A Creative Dream... said...

Oh sweetie, I have so been there...and still find myself visiting some days. My heart goes out to you because I understand those feelings. It's ugly, it's horrifying, it's scary...and then it goes, and you wonder how you ever felt that way...only to have it come back at the strangest times.

The only thing I can tell you is that you can hang on, you can get past it, you just have to do it one itty bitty baby step at a time. Talk to your friends, talk to strangers (you have no idea who you might be helping by doing that), talk to your doctors, talk to your pastor...change meds, do what it takes...

Take the time to explain to your kids what is going on inside you, it's scary for them too...but you'll be surprised at how much it helps you to let them know.

Remember too that it comes in waves, breathe deep, pray a lot, hold on tight to what you love...and let them hold on to you too...this too shall pass.

Carolina said...

Dear Brenda,
I just found your blog but wanted to tell you that you are not alone, and (just as importantly) IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!! Mental illness is a chemical imbalance in your brain, and NOT YOUR FAULT!
Unfortunately, the drugs are not perfect, and tend to stop being effective.
I have a brother who is severely mentally ill, and he attempted suicide 2 years ago. I'll spare you the details... he did survive, but was in the hospital for almost a year, and had almost a dozen surgeries.
Take care of yourself, bask in the support of your husband, watch your beautiful children grow... and see if you can get some sun. Sunlight does some amazing things to help our moods!

Sandy said...

I've been there - and come back. Other than the meds - I would very much encourage you to take the Bible literally and lean on Him, and not on your own understanding... . Whenever a negative thought comes into your mind, replace it immediately with a blessing, something you are greatful for. I had to make a list when I couldn't just switch gears quick enough - and posted it on the fridge. Do not dwell on these negative thoughts. No good will come from it.

At one point, I got so bad I thought I should take my daughter with me, because then I wouldn't have to worry about someone taking care of her after I was gone. I am so grateful I didn't act on anything. I switched meds, I also started eating MUCH healthier, got more exercise (even if you don't feel like it - take the kids to a park), and took supplements. My vitamin D had dropped to an 8 (norm is 60-100). Have that checked as well. I've realized that there are many things that can knock the hormones and other chemicals out of wack. My daughter also suffers from depression and we had to put her on the pill x 3 mos, one week off, then on 3 mos. It helped tremendously. Talk to your doc. Don't just think it will get better by itself. It usually doesn't. PLEASE let your husband know how you're feeling and if possible, check about doing a few days inpatient until the meds stabelize. It's safest for everyone. If you need some time away from the kids, then take your friend, Pamela up on it. You need time to take care of yourself. God cannot use you when you cannot even care for yourself. Pray that He reveal to you what it is He would like you to do - and He will guide you. But, if your chemicals are so low that you can't hear Him, choose to remember that you didn't always feel this way and you won't always feel this way. It WILL get better again.

I just stumbled on your site today. I will put your name on my prayer board and I do hope you follow through on seeing your doc and talking with your hubby.


Anonymous said...

Came across you blog tonight. You are so not along in your journey with depression. I have had it my whole life. Mine really came to light after we moved away from family and it was just the 3 of us. I had to do everything because the spouse was always working. I hit rock bottom in 1995 and was in the hospital for 3 days which did not help. I finally told myself that this is not you get up go for it.96 came around and I did try the one thing I thought would cure it. My spouse come in time to get me to hospital and i was in coma for 3 days, but guess what I fooled them all. My blood sugar was so low the doctors thought that caused the coma. But I only fooled myself. For the last year I've gone to therpy and once a week ladies group for depression and on several meds. The stress of a job, a big house to clean has gotten to be to much. Somedays I walk and talk to myself just to get through the day.
I like yourself, get joy out of crafting. I love to sew little girls dresses. On good days I am in my sewing room sometimes to 3am in the mornings. I will put you on my prayer list.

A Mom's Choice said...

Hang in there depression sucks. Have been in a boxing ring without since my teens atleast. Take a minute at a time. Your blog is great

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