Pet-peeves

I feel like venting today. You know why!?! Because a stupid doctor won't let me fill my perscription for prozac and I the earliest appointment I can get is may 8th. It has been a week and still no meds. He actually refused to refill it until I came in again because it had been 4 months sense he has seen me. REFUSED!?!?!  I am FREAKING out because
#1: it is a huge no no to go off this type of meds cold turkey and that is exactly what this doctor has done to me.
#2: Last time this happened I attempted suicide.
#3: I have to find a new doctor
#4: I am having serious depression right now and I am scared and still no medication!!!

WHERE IS THE FREAKING accountability!?!?!?!?!?! It ticks me off that he doesn't care that I have run out of medication.

While we are on the subject. I hate it when you call or email someone and they never respond back. That really ticks me off. It bugs me. It really bothers me because I am left wondering if you got my message and should I contact you again. I give you 2 chances and if you don't respond within a week you should be black listed to the do not contact EVER list. (please don't take this personally, I am just having a terrible day and feeling very depressed).

Now that I have gotten that off my chest, I have to tell you something. Many people ask me questions but leave me no way of contacting them. So, to prevent me causing the same frustration a lack of response causes me, I need you to do something for me.

Go HERE and do exactly what this tutorial tells you to do. Then I will always be able to respond back and you can rest easy knowing I have received your comment. FYI: I get an email every time someone comments on my blog so I really do read them. I heart comments. So, please help a girl out so she won't be doing one of her biggest pet-peeves to the people she loves:)

Secrete Weapon

I haven't talked about this for a long time because I have not been depressed. My life has been the picture of peace and tranquility for the past 6 months or more. It has been so long that I don't even remember when I last felt out of control. Depression has ruled my life for so long that I was beginning to think it was a chronic illness. Well, I did some amazing therapy and worked my way through all of it. So, I wanted to tell you all about my therapist because she has changed my life. I can honestly say I am depression free. I have not felt like this in a very long time..... maybe ever.  She does alternative therapy that has completely worked for me.  Traditional therapy is where you sit down and talk it out, relive the trauma. I lived it once, it sucked. I don't want to relive it again. Quite frankly I would either not tell my old counselors everything or I would lie because I just didn't want to feel the "crap" again. That's why Helen was so effective for me because she does it with symbolism. I am not good at describing it, so I recommend you read it directly from her website.
I have had so many emails about people suffering from depression and thought those individuals would find this information useful. This is what gave me lasting results. It has given me the results I so desperately wanted.

Helen Bair  

602-320-2233

www.helenbair.com
hpbair@cox.net

2127 N. Allen ST. Mesa, AZ 85203

Now before you think, great, she doesn't live anywhere near me. So what. She facilitates "out of state" patients using skype, ichat or gmail. I have used skype and it was no different then when I went to her office. Except I didn't have to drive 2 hours to get there. She has a seminar that all new patients must take before doing a session with her, BUT if you are not able to attend one, you can purchase her book instead. I purchased her book even though I was able to attend the seminar because it is a great resource to have on hand.

I wanted to share my "secrete weapon" with you because Helen Bair has given me my life back. This is something that has been life changing for me. So, get in contact with Helen and see if this is something that will work for you too. FYI, I am not receiving anything to do this post. I just wanted to share this information with you. Working with Helen is the only thing that has worked for me. Nothing was helping and I wasn't getting lasting results. I would feel good for a while, but it ALWAYS came back. After doing 5 sessions with Helen, I have changed. I finally can say I found the "miracle drug" that cures depression, it's named Helen Bair.  She has helped heal me from this disease. It took me about 6 months before I finally was willing to give her a try and I am so glad I did. I can honestly say it is the only thing that has given me lasting results. It's the only thing that doesn't feel like a band-aid. It has changed my life. And that is why I wanted to share it with everyone.

Getting back to Basics

I has been a while sense I felt like sharing my thoughts about how I have been feeling. I am still not sure if that is because I was pretending nothing was wrong or if nothing really was wrong. I am trying to go off my medication. Is that a good idea. Probably not, but I am doing it under a doctors supervision. I will be taking a lower dose for 3 months. If everything is still fine, then I will go even lower for another 3 months, etc. See it’s easier to up a dose and get quicker results than it is to give a new dose to someone who doesn’t have it in their system.

Why, you may be asking, do I want to go off it? Well, I want to have another child somewhere in the future and I don’t want to be on medication when I am pregnant. I figure if I start now, I will be ready next year sometime. Maybe have a winter baby. We shall see. Right now I am not depressed. I haven’t been “depressed” for a while. Except today I feel a little mediocre but that’s because I just ate five cookies for dinner (and maybe some, okay fine, a lot of cookie dough).  Freak! It’s not like I am on trial here, but I feel the need to spill my guts; however embarrassing and unhealthy they may be.

See, I learned something when I went to visit my mom over the summer. I realized I liked having fewer responsibilities. I like to craft for the shear pleasure, not because I have to. I was feeling pressure with my Etsy store. So I closed it down. I was feeling like my craft blog was taking too much time, so I cut back. I don’t feel the pressure to be constantly coming up with new ideas. I make what I feel like making right then. Doesn’t matter if it’s old news. At least it’s news.  I am learning not to care as much, to just do what I feel like I can do. That may mean my house isn’t clean for the day. Big deal! At least I made super hero capes that my kids LOVE. Maybe, just maybe, my dishes are left undone. Who cares when my son and I defeat the world we were stuck on in Super Mario. I my not have taken a shower, fixed, my hair, and put make up on, but I did get to see my daughter twirl around the room singing her heart out to the tune of her own made up song.

In a way, depression has made me cut back and get back to basics. I find myself only doing things that bring happiness and peace into my life. If it makes my daughter happy to have a pink dress, I will make her a pink dress. If it makes my son happy to play Super Mario brothers, I will play Super Mario brothers. My blog may suffer, the cleanliness of my house may be questionable, but I don’t care any more.

So if you come to my house and it is a disaster and you are afraid to sit down. Just now that I have been busy that day doing what brought me the most peace that day and obviously cleaning was not one of those things.

Not out of the Woods Yet

Have you ever heard of Prozac poop out? Well, it is common slang for mental illnesses. Prozac has been known to work great for a while the totally stop working.
I have it. My Prozac has pooped out. I started having suicidal thoughts again last night. I was going to cut myself and just let myself bleed to death. Yes, graphic I know, but that is how I felt.
Let's be honest here, completely honest.   It hurts like HELL to think my kids would be better off without me. Not a normal way to think, but I can't help it. I wonder if I am doing more damage than good when I can't handle the messes, noise, touching, talking, EVERYTHING that is involved with having kids. I push my kids away because I am afraid will spank them or yell at them, so I ignore them. Which makes me feel worse because then I feel like a terrible mother.
It's hard to see how far I have come when I still feel the darkness all around me. I am fighting and battling, and not giving in to the urge to run into the kitchen and grab a knife. I am trying. I worry that sometime I will be too tired to fight any more. Last night, it took everything inside of me not to do it AND my husband was home. DAM IT! &@^$)#%(_*@#&($)@!*^$)&@!^$)*&% I just want to yell and throw a big temper-tantrum and swear.  I want to talk to (well speak very loudly) God and ask when will I get past this? When will I understand? What am I suppose to learn? How much longer? I am wearing out. I am weakening, I am caving, I am on the edge. Not a comfortable place to be.
I feel crazy and unstable. I am praying and keeping myself busy, but I am still at the edge. (deep breath). I know a lot of people have no idea what its like to experience this, but I seriously hope that someone who is experiencing this will read it and know I care. I care because I have been there, am there, will probably be there in the future. I may not have the answers (obviously because then I wouldn't be struggling right now) but I get it and I can offer a listening ear to those who just need to know someone gets it and cares. I am here for those who do need someone.

I am just trying to Survive.

I started this blog to document my journey. I started this blog to share my story. I wanted women to realize other people get 'it', depression. I wanted to educate people that have never experienced it and I wanted to start opening doors for people be able to freely talk about it.
I had grand plans of starting an etsy shop. I even made a few things for it, but as my anxiety grew, I realized I had lost my focus. I am not doing this to make money. I am doing this because it is apart of my therapy. I need crafting to bring a sense of sainness in my life. It is MY thing, where I get to express myself. It stays done and never talks back.
So, I am letting go of an etsy shop right now because I am still in therapy. I need to do something not because there is a demand for it, but because I want to do it. So, here is the deal, if you see something you absolutely HAVE to have on my blog, email me and we can work something out. I love sewing, so if you want to purchase the fabric, I will sew it for a fraction of the price. It would help my in my journey. There is therapy in crafting for me. I am sure there are SOOOOOOOOOOOO many people I am disappointing right now ;) j/k BUT let me frank, I am really struggling right now. I don't need one more thing to worry about and an etsy shop is too much for me. My kids deserve a better mother. My husband deserves a better wife, I deserve a better quality of life.
Want to know the truth, I get so overwhelmed to the point that simply unloading my dish washer makes me want to cry. The jobs I 'THINK' I should, need, or aut to do incapacitates me to the point that nothing gets done. I worry that people will think I am broken, mentally insane, or unstable because I think that about myself..... I want a better life, but I can't seem to find it. I feel like I am almost there and then it slips out of my reach. I see a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist, plus, I am on medication. I pray for help, I do things that bring me joy (running, eating, crafting, music, kids, being outside, and hanging out with friends) but all those feel like a band aid. I am totally lost right now, looking for the way out. Where do I go from here? I don't know. I am just trying to survive.

Reality Check

I read a post on The Mommy Files the other day about a blogger who had committed suicide. I had never heard about this woman until I heard about her death, but I felt connected to her in so many ways. Seeing the wake of sorrow left behind, made me take a step back.
I have been very open with my battle with depression, but I want people to better understand the despair and inability to find a way out. I want people to be able to better understand what one experiences with this disease. How it could lead to thoughts of suicide or eventually the lose of a life.
With depression, life seems to freeze in time, like you will feel this way forever or it will just keep coming back. Hopeless, comes to mind, but it feels like you are totally out of control inside with no way to release the turmoil deep within your soul. Something inside is fighting, clawing, screaming, crying, raging, but there is nothing you can do to calm it. It is over powering, overwhelming, and all consuming. It feels like the very jaws of Hell are opened wide ready to consume you. Darkness, lost, frightening, anxiety, panic, rage.
Imagine loosing someone close to you, your lover, your best friend, your parent, your child. The person a depressed person has lost is themselves. I am not sure how to truly explain what it feels like, but I hope my willingness to share has encouraged, uplifted, explained, and educated all those who have read my story.
My whole heart goes to this woman's family at this time. My prayers are with them.

Flair up

I have Spina Bifida. It has been a big set back from time to time, but usually, I am active and pain free. Well, I guess I was due for a flair up because boy did I have one today.
I was walking and thought, "man my back is hurting a little." Seconds later I was in so much pain I couldn't move. I was stuck laying on the cold tile floor. I think I spent about 30-45 minutes there. It got pretty cold and hard.
Luckily, my 4 year old brought me my cell phone. I called around and had 2 friends who literally saved me. One friend came over very quickly and found my pain pills. While I laid on the tile floor (waiting for the painkillers to kick in) she took care of my kids, made me as comfortable as possible, and chatted with me. As soon as the pain had subsided enough for me to crawl to the couch, I did. I wasn't able to put any weight on my left leg for a long time, but I am doing much better. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO grateful for strong pain killers.
My other friend brought me lunch and cleaned my house. She also took my son to her house for a few hours, until my hubby could get off of work.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! to my 2 dear friends who were not on holiday and could help me off the floor;)

Also, my friend told me that some people where wondering why I have depression. Especially because they feel I am so talented. Funny question that is, especially from someone who doesn't understand or has never experienced depression. I would like to explain depression. I am NOT depressed because I think I am worthless or because I think negatively. Those who know me, know I am a very cheerful and upbeat person. That is not a facade. That is who I am when I am not depressed.
My depression started after I had my daughter. I got severe post partum depression. I was put on medication for it. When hubby graduated, our insurance changed and my psychologist didn't accept our new insurance. Long story short, my medicine ran out. I went off my anti-depressant cold turkey (that is a big no no with this type of medicine). I got really sick, went through withdraw and rebounded hard core. It was during the rebound, that I attempted suicide.
I have a hormonal/chemical imbalance. It is no different a disease than someone with diabetes or allergies. It is a medical problem that I have to take medication to treat. I wish all I had to do was think happy thoughts and I would be better, but it is not so simple.
My body doesn't balance itself out on its own. I have to have medication to replace the chemicals in my brain that non-depressed people's bodies automatically make. So, if you learn nothing else, it is a medical problem that I have absolutely no control over. My path was complicated by insurance which made my depression worse. BUT, I am treating it and pushing on and that is was really matters. Many may not understand my story, but that is why I openly share it. I want to create an awareness and better understanding of what depression really is. It is a disease, a malfunction in a person's body. It is not a disease that is visible to the naked eye, but still debilitating non the less.

Learning

I have been so content lately. I feel so blessed and can't image my life being any better. I have struggled with severe depression, probably wallowed and nearly drowned in it;) This has helped me understand and feel more deeply for others. I have been praying for ways to ease other's burdens, to be an answer to their prayers. I have been inspired, thoughts enter my mind and the more I act on them, the more they come. It is small and simple things, but I know I am being led to those who are seeking help.
I would never trade this trial because I have become more like Him. Truly, someday, "He will see His image in my countenance."
I am not perfect, I am not always concerned for others, but I do know I am trying. So, at this Christmas season, if you find yourself struggling and needed someone to ease your burden in any way, please email me at brenbren13 (at) ymail (dot) com. It will be anonymous to everyone, even me if you prefer. I will help in any way I can. I would LOVE to help in any way I can. Please allow me to bring peace to your soul.
My compassion has grown. My heart aches when I see those in need. I too was once in need and I found my answer in a dear spouse who called people when I was too weak to pick up the phone. He was my answer, my love, my life. I am alive because he cared enough to leave work to keep me safe. I am alive because he called Becca at my darkest hour, I am alive because he loved me enough to find help for me. To my Heavenly Father, I thank you for sending him to me. I thank Him for helping me see my growth. I thank Him for giving me the strength to share my story and not be embarrassed about it. I share so others might know there is hope. Keep trying, keep praying, there is help and happiness. Sometimes you just have to go blindly until you find it, but I PROMISE you will find it.

Magnified

Depression is a interesting thing. It hides in the farther reaches of your brain and springs out when you least expect it, but retreats before you can dissect it's cause.
I have learned a lot about people through this trial. I have seen people who learn of my story pull farther away from me, afraid that if they touch me or come to close, they too will be infected. People who once smiled and stopped to talk, give me a 'knowing' wavering smile, but no longer willing to be-friend a depressed person.
I find myself pulling farther and farther away from the "world". I feel to fragile to build on relationships that are so fickle. I can't handle their scrutiny and false friendships. It hurts to bad, I feel more alone when I realize it was all a facade, so I am better off without such things!?! Or am I?
I have come to see and feel more deeply for those around me. My heart aches for others who struggle, even wallow in trials. I wish to ease other's burdens, to lighten their load because I have often wished someone would do the same for me. I have not had many people who were willing to lighten my load; however, my family was usually the only ones willing to come to my aid. The one person who always stood beside me was my spouse. He was never afraid to touch me, never pulled away, never embarrassed or ashamed of me. He held me as I cried, prayed with me for answers, and cheered me up. I am eternally grateful for his true love. Without him, this trial would be truly unbearable.
I have found my true friends. The ones who still call, still interact with me, still care for my well being. The true friends who don't feel like I am just extra baggage, they are the ones who pushed me to try harder, loved me despite myself, and hugged me when I needed it. Thanks to those few angels who strengthened me and showed true Christ like love.
I am not a plague, I am not contagious, I am a woman who has a disease, a chemical imbalance, a trial. I am a woman who is willing to share this story in hopes that someone out there will feel my love and strength. That someone will know you do not need to be embarrassed or ashamed because we are all in this together. We all have trials, though they may be vastly different, may we each learn from each other and lift one another. Let us lift instead of bring down, let us cheer and brighten, instead of hurt and demean. Let us love each other because of our differences. That is what I have learned through this. That is what I have come to KNOW. Everyone needs someone to lighten their load, and I hope that this blog may do that for others.

Triggers

My councilor put me on this new program to teach myself how to relax, be calm, be at peace. I am really excited about it because I have been struggling with coping strategies and that is why I went to counseling. I wanted to learn how to deal effectively with stress. I have just started, so I am still not sure if I see any changes. I have felt calmer the past few days.
I started paying attention to signs that I was heading down the depression road. Last night I felt tightness in my chest and my heart rate increased. I started getting stressed out about EVERYTHING. Actually, it was more about husband being gone so much and he was suppose to be on call the next day (36 hours without seeing him). I sat down on the bed and talked to Dave about it. I realized that I was not stressed about him being gone so much, I had unmet expectations. I wanted the house clean, but he spent the time playing with the kids. After I realized it was about wanting the house clean and nothing more, I relaxed and said, “lets go to bed, I can clean in the morning. Thanks for watching the kids while I was gone.” It seems strange that just realizing why I was starting to get anxiety helped calm me down. I think it is because I knew what it was and knew I could clean my house. Simple fix. There was no unknown. In the past, I was unable to recognize why I was feeling anxiety or depression. I am starting to see what triggers my emotions and try to avoid situations that cause me to feel that way!

Welcome Back Brenda

8-15-09
Yesterday was a really good day for me. I did not sleep well, but Dave let me sleep in until 9am. I woke up and realized we were going to be late for Adam’s orientation for preschool. We rushed around the house getting ready. I ran over to our neighbor’s house, Amy, and asked her to watch Natalie for me while we were gone. After orientation, Amy hung around and I invited her to stay for lunch. She talked to me and played a little with the kids while I scrubbed the kitchen floor. After lunch we did a few errands together. It was really nice to have someone to help with the kids. She is really gentle and patient with my little ones. One of our stops was at Costco. We took our time and tried all of the samples. When we got home, I cooked some dinner for the kids and cleaned up. I spent the evening playing with the kids, putting them to bed, looking for a book that I had started to read, and watching some dumb TV show. I never did find the book, but I did start a different book that holds more promise of entertainment then the one I lost. I am feeling happier these days. I think the medication is starting to work. My husband has finally breathed a sigh of relief. He feels like he can relax now and stop watching my every move. He no longer has to analyze me words or actions to find any sign of suicide. We are in the process of buying our 1st home. There have been some very frustrating delays of late. The FHA home inspector filled out the paper work incorrectly and it took 3 days for him to correct it. So, now it is Saturday and we still haven’t signed for the house. We were supposed to sign on Wednesday. On Friday, he expressed his frustration and worries to me, the 1st time in a lone time. He told me he finally felt like he could let go of things because I was ‘coming back’. “Welcome back Brenda.” With tears in his eyes, he hugged me. I guess I never realized how hard this must be on him. He doesn’t understand what I feel or think, so he doesn’t understand what would bring me to suicide. It is frustrating for him to NOT understand or be able to heal me. All he knows is he doesn’t want to live with out me. All he can do is be there for me. He is forced to keep his stress to himself, too worried that it would push me over the edge. I feel sorry I have made him feel this way, but it is not something I chose for myself. It just is.

Writing

I wrote my struggles down. I caution all readers, this is not for the faint of heart. I am very real and open about how I feel and think.

8-9-09
Husband has been on vacation the past week. It came at the lowest point for me. As I was looking back on the situation, I realized that his break was literally a miracle for me. I know I would have been hospitalized for depression if he had not been here. It was a tender mercy of the Lord that I am able to sit at my computer and type while my family slumbers. A little over a week ago, I could see no way out. The depression just keeps coming back. I was sitting on my bed wondering how I could put an end to it. To be completely done with it and I just knew that the only way to be completely rid of it was to die. I calmly walked into my bathroom and took out the bottle of painkillers. I took 2 pills before I chickened out. I didn’t want my son to be the one to find me. I laid on my bed and fell asleep. He came home early that day, worried about me. I think it was for good reason.
I feel like a helpless baby bird. That anything can hurt my fragile state of being. I am afraid those feelings will come back and I will be too weak to ignore them, to weak to “chicken out”. I am scared to face those feelings again. Will they rear their ugly head when I am left to fend them off alone? I am worried I will be hanging on by my fingernails, but I just cut my nails today, so I might not be able to hang on very long. Depression, please don’t visit me this week. Please let me have peace, you are not welcome in my home. Do not get comfortable; do not knock on my door because I will not let you in.
8-10-09
I had a therapy session. My therapist is an older woman who is very quiet. Sometimes we just sit in silence for about 30 seconds. It’s hard for me to open up and she is content to just sit there with me. It’s interesting and sometimes uncomfortable. I feel obligated to fill the silence, but with what? This is a stranger can she be trusted? I am sure she can, but I haven’t decided if I want to trust her yet.
Husband went to work this afternoon. I felt emotions boiling up. I was worried I would spiral out of control. I called my mom and told her everything that was happening. She was speechless. She felt frustrated that she did not understand what I felt and was too far away to help. I told her that during this time, I was not capable of thinking logically or being realistic. I told her how even now, I feel no remorse for wanting to kill myself. Even staring in the face of my 14 month old, I felt no twinge of regret nor did I feel relief that I had not followed through. Does that mean I am still suicidal? Does that mean that at any moment, I will get the courage to do it? David took all the medication in our house. At first I was hurt and frustrated that he would not trust me, but why would he? Honestly, why would he trust a depressed, suicidal mother of two with a bottle of painkillers? He would be out of his mind to trust me because I don’t even trust myself. Those bottles call my name, they whisper of a life free from depression. Their sweet melody lures me in and tells me there is a way out. Maybe I need to buy some earplugs

Slowly

So, we have been slowly packing up our house and the closing date keeps getting set back. We HAVE to be out of our apartment by the 16th. Let's hope nothing goes wrong because we are suppose to close on the 12th. We are cutting it close, but I will be neglecting you, my viewing audience, while I scrub two houses, paint, pack up, unpack, tend my 2 chillens', and do some minor repairs on our new home.

On a side note, I have found some excellent help for depression through my insurance company. I HIGHLY recommend anyone silently suffering call your insurance and see what is available.

Also, I find talking, typing about it in this case, very therapeutic. I like to voice my feelings, then they are out there and I can focus on moving past them. It's a struggle sometimes, but at least I hope in some way, I am helping someone realize they are not alone, there is help, and this feeling doesn't have to last forever.

Thinking Normal!?!

I have to admit I have had a very hard week. I have been seriously struggling with depression. I went off my antidepressant before I was ready and now I am having an emotional crisis.
It's so FREAKING frustrating feeling like I'm 'that' person. 'That' person who has to take a dam pill just to think normal, just to get out of bed in the morning, just to feel okay about taking a shower. The pill makes it so I can actually make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for my son without feeling totally overwhelmed.
I feel so screwed up and mentally unstable. Life is hard, everyone has trials and struggles, but I feel like mine are drowning me.

1.My mom is dieing of cancer
2. My husband works at LEAST 80 hours a week as a resident
3. I have depression ..... NEED I SAY MORE
4. I have 2 small children
5. It's 113* degrees here and too hot to go outside.
6. We are buying a house and it needs a little work, but I have to do it all myself because see #2

I won't lie, I have thought that dieing was the only way to finally end this fucking reality. Really, I feel like everything is just a big band-aid. I want lasting solutions, not ones that, if taken away or unavailable, or hard to get, will send me spiraling into the darkest mental abyss.

Think happy thoughts, it's not about thinking, it's about becoming incapacitated because your son wants you to get him a drink of water. I keep thinking if I just pray hard enough, if I be a better person, God will take this away. I must be doing something wrong. Why is it not going away. I guess God wants me to take that pill.
Every day, 1 pill, every day a glimpse into the lives of 'normal' people. The pill makes me 'normal'. I hate that pill; I despise it. I want to dam it to a life of exile, but I can't live without it.

Mind Make-over

I caught the last 15 minutes of Dr. Phil the other day and he was talking about addictions. It was addictions to things like shopping, eating, and work.
Dr. Phil asked everyone the same question, "What are you running from?"
It turned out, it was lack of confidence. The addict was trying to hid from the pain of repulsion they felt about themselves.
I began thinking about myself and how I don't deal with stresses in my life. I run from them. I either ignore them or eat. I am repulsed by my physical appearance because my body has changed so dramatically after giving birth to 2 children. I don't understand how my spouse could be attracted to it, especially when I KNOW what I really look like. I stay home most of the time because I don't want people to see me like this, but that makes me feel worse. I feel like people don't like me and I don't have friends. I feel like I am not a likable person. Which, as you can see is a cycle of never ending unworthiness.
I wondered, "How does one build self confidence? How do I stop worrying about my flaws?"
I really had no idea how to fix it. So, I asked my very wise and understanding husband. I was hoping for some amazing solution that would be a quick fix and I would suddenly morph into this happy person who loved herself and felt comfortable in the skin I am in. YEAH RIGHT!?!?!
He told me I had to control my thoughts. That if a bad and degrading thought entered my head, I had to make a plan of how to IMMEDIATELY get it out. I decided to sing really loudly (in my head, so no one else hears it) a song I made up. It's all about me!

Oh, you're so beautiful, you have pretty blue eyes and a great smile. It's so white and straight. You have the firmest butt anyone has ever felt (which seriously, I do, it is a gift really). You have a giving heart and a friendly personality. Go girl you ROCK!!!!

This is day one of my new mind make over. I have sung that song a million times already and it's only 9:30 AM . Seriously, I am seeing a problem here. I never noticed how often I put myself down. It is usually just a small, "I wish my stomach was flatter." type of thought, but it still hurts. I am going to start counting how many times I sing it. That way I can see how I sang it less and less as time went on.
WAHOO!!!!!

My Story Part 2.......

After I had my second baby I spiraled out of control. I began getting extremely agitated at my oldest, in my mind he couldn't do anything good enough. Nothing would please me. He began to act out and his behavior got worse. This in turn made me more depressed and I withdrew into myself. I began getting overwhelmed over EVERYTHING. My son would ask for a drink of water, I would start sobbing. My infant would start crying for food, I would start sobbing because the thought of helping her overwhelmed me to the point I became immobilized. Within two weeks of her birth, I began having suicidal thoughts. I thought, "My family deserves someone better. I am not worthy of them. Their life would be so much fuller and happier with out me. I can't continue living like this." etc. Only those who have ever had depression can truly understand how overwhelming the emotions are. I even had my plan, I would cut my wrists. My husband found out and watched my every move. One night while lying in bed, I thought, "I should cut my wrists while he's asleep, then he can't stop me."
Luckily and MIRACULOUSLY, a red flag went off in my head. My fogged mind cleared enough to allow me realize I needed help and I needed it ASAP.
The next morning I was seen by my doctor. It's surprising how a booked doctor can see you ANY TIME if you say you are thinking about killing yourself. I was put on an antidepressant.
I wish I could say my road was easy from then on, but it wasn't. I battled for sanity. I increased my medicine. Then a bomb dropped March 2009, my mom was diagnosed with cancer-the no-curable kind! She was my emotional support while hubby was in school. I am still coming to terms with this. I still cry a lot over it, BUT I found a passion even greater than running. I started reading blogs about crafting and sewing. I thought, "I could totally do that."
I started doing a little here, a little there! Before I knew it, I was happy, I wanted to play with my kids. I decided last month to start this blog to hopefully inspire someone searching for some hope. I find hope in using my hands.
I finally figured out WHY I love creating things. It STAYS done. There will always be cleaned, dishes to do, laundry to be washed and folded, a house to scrub, meals to cook, BUT once I finish sewing or crafting, it stays done. It's all mine, it has nothing to do with school, being a mother or wife, it has nothing to do with house keeping, it's all mine.
Crafting keeps me sane. It keeps me happy, it allows me to be a better mother and wife. It allows me to express my self.