Tuesday, June 9, 2009

My Story Part 2.......

After I had my second baby I spiraled out of control. I began getting extremely agitated at my oldest, in my mind he couldn't do anything good enough. Nothing would please me. He began to act out and his behavior got worse. This in turn made me more depressed and I withdrew into myself. I began getting overwhelmed over EVERYTHING. My son would ask for a drink of water, I would start sobbing. My infant would start crying for food, I would start sobbing because the thought of helping her overwhelmed me to the point I became immobilized. Within two weeks of her birth, I began having suicidal thoughts. I thought, "My family deserves someone better. I am not worthy of them. Their life would be so much fuller and happier with out me. I can't continue living like this." etc. Only those who have ever had depression can truly understand how overwhelming the emotions are. I even had my plan, I would cut my wrists. My husband found out and watched my every move. One night while lying in bed, I thought, "I should cut my wrists while he's asleep, then he can't stop me."
Luckily and MIRACULOUSLY, a red flag went off in my head. My fogged mind cleared enough to allow me realize I needed help and I needed it ASAP.
The next morning I was seen by my doctor. It's surprising how a booked doctor can see you ANY TIME if you say you are thinking about killing yourself. I was put on an antidepressant.
I wish I could say my road was easy from then on, but it wasn't. I battled for sanity. I increased my medicine. Then a bomb dropped March 2009, my mom was diagnosed with cancer-the no-curable kind! She was my emotional support while hubby was in school. I am still coming to terms with this. I still cry a lot over it, BUT I found a passion even greater than running. I started reading blogs about crafting and sewing. I thought, "I could totally do that."
I started doing a little here, a little there! Before I knew it, I was happy, I wanted to play with my kids. I decided last month to start this blog to hopefully inspire someone searching for some hope. I find hope in using my hands.
I finally figured out WHY I love creating things. It STAYS done. There will always be cleaned, dishes to do, laundry to be washed and folded, a house to scrub, meals to cook, BUT once I finish sewing or crafting, it stays done. It's all mine, it has nothing to do with school, being a mother or wife, it has nothing to do with house keeping, it's all mine.
Crafting keeps me sane. It keeps me happy, it allows me to be a better mother and wife. It allows me to express my self.

2 comments:

~Caro~ said...

More hugs coming your way!!!

What a great post. I can SO relate, yknow... like I said in my previous comment. And that last paragraph: WOW, it makes SO much sense!!!

Kudos for talking so openly about mental health issues! I do the same. The best thing was when this one girl I just knew online on a forum... we met face to face during a party and she told me just how much I had helped her by talking about my GAD :)

M for Short said...

Well said: that crafting allows something to "stay done". I've never heard it phrased that way, but I have often felt that way about cooking a meal. Something you can point to as an accomplishment once it is completed. Because yes, everything else is perpetually happening.

I am glad the flag went up and you were brave enough to acknowledge it.

Congratulations on your prolific blog and your continued courage to fight the fight, and to share your story.

 
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