Today, I wanted to share a few of my favorite things with you!
Goodreads.com : Rate books you read and get great recommendations. Never read a bad book again!
Flight of the Concord (search on YouTube) My fav is "Business Time" and "Jenny" It is HeLarious!!!!
http://www.wordle.net I was barely introduced to this little beauty!
opart.etsy.com Centsational Girl introduced me to this one and I fell madly in love with it!
Freecycle.org SERIOUSLY PEOPLE!!!! I can't tell you how good this is!
Google: I have been able to fix EVERYTHING in our new home just by googling directions. I fixed 2 leaky faucets, one rocking toilet, one red ant hill, one leaking AC, AND that's it!
This concludes the tore of my favorite things!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Welcome Back Brenda
8-15-09
Yesterday was a really good day for me. I did not sleep well, but Dave let me sleep in until 9am. I woke up and realized we were going to be late for Adam’s orientation for preschool. We rushed around the house getting ready. I ran over to our neighbor’s house, Amy, and asked her to watch Natalie for me while we were gone. After orientation, Amy hung around and I invited her to stay for lunch. She talked to me and played a little with the kids while I scrubbed the kitchen floor. After lunch we did a few errands together. It was really nice to have someone to help with the kids. She is really gentle and patient with my little ones. One of our stops was at Costco. We took our time and tried all of the samples. When we got home, I cooked some dinner for the kids and cleaned up. I spent the evening playing with the kids, putting them to bed, looking for a book that I had started to read, and watching some dumb TV show. I never did find the book, but I did start a different book that holds more promise of entertainment then the one I lost. I am feeling happier these days. I think the medication is starting to work. My husband has finally breathed a sigh of relief. He feels like he can relax now and stop watching my every move. He no longer has to analyze me words or actions to find any sign of suicide. We are in the process of buying our 1st home. There have been some very frustrating delays of late. The FHA home inspector filled out the paper work incorrectly and it took 3 days for him to correct it. So, now it is Saturday and we still haven’t signed for the house. We were supposed to sign on Wednesday. On Friday, he expressed his frustration and worries to me, the 1st time in a lone time. He told me he finally felt like he could let go of things because I was ‘coming back’. “Welcome back Brenda.” With tears in his eyes, he hugged me. I guess I never realized how hard this must be on him. He doesn’t understand what I feel or think, so he doesn’t understand what would bring me to suicide. It is frustrating for him to NOT understand or be able to heal me. All he knows is he doesn’t want to live with out me. All he can do is be there for me. He is forced to keep his stress to himself, too worried that it would push me over the edge. I feel sorry I have made him feel this way, but it is not something I chose for myself. It just is.
Yesterday was a really good day for me. I did not sleep well, but Dave let me sleep in until 9am. I woke up and realized we were going to be late for Adam’s orientation for preschool. We rushed around the house getting ready. I ran over to our neighbor’s house, Amy, and asked her to watch Natalie for me while we were gone. After orientation, Amy hung around and I invited her to stay for lunch. She talked to me and played a little with the kids while I scrubbed the kitchen floor. After lunch we did a few errands together. It was really nice to have someone to help with the kids. She is really gentle and patient with my little ones. One of our stops was at Costco. We took our time and tried all of the samples. When we got home, I cooked some dinner for the kids and cleaned up. I spent the evening playing with the kids, putting them to bed, looking for a book that I had started to read, and watching some dumb TV show. I never did find the book, but I did start a different book that holds more promise of entertainment then the one I lost. I am feeling happier these days. I think the medication is starting to work. My husband has finally breathed a sigh of relief. He feels like he can relax now and stop watching my every move. He no longer has to analyze me words or actions to find any sign of suicide. We are in the process of buying our 1st home. There have been some very frustrating delays of late. The FHA home inspector filled out the paper work incorrectly and it took 3 days for him to correct it. So, now it is Saturday and we still haven’t signed for the house. We were supposed to sign on Wednesday. On Friday, he expressed his frustration and worries to me, the 1st time in a lone time. He told me he finally felt like he could let go of things because I was ‘coming back’. “Welcome back Brenda.” With tears in his eyes, he hugged me. I guess I never realized how hard this must be on him. He doesn’t understand what I feel or think, so he doesn’t understand what would bring me to suicide. It is frustrating for him to NOT understand or be able to heal me. All he knows is he doesn’t want to live with out me. All he can do is be there for me. He is forced to keep his stress to himself, too worried that it would push me over the edge. I feel sorry I have made him feel this way, but it is not something I chose for myself. It just is.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Writing
I wrote my struggles down. I caution all readers, this is not for the faint of heart. I am very real and open about how I feel and think.
8-9-09
Husband has been on vacation the past week. It came at the lowest point for me. As I was looking back on the situation, I realized that his break was literally a miracle for me. I know I would have been hospitalized for depression if he had not been here. It was a tender mercy of the Lord that I am able to sit at my computer and type while my family slumbers. A little over a week ago, I could see no way out. The depression just keeps coming back. I was sitting on my bed wondering how I could put an end to it. To be completely done with it and I just knew that the only way to be completely rid of it was to die. I calmly walked into my bathroom and took out the bottle of painkillers. I took 2 pills before I chickened out. I didn’t want my son to be the one to find me. I laid on my bed and fell asleep. He came home early that day, worried about me. I think it was for good reason.
I feel like a helpless baby bird. That anything can hurt my fragile state of being. I am afraid those feelings will come back and I will be too weak to ignore them, to weak to “chicken out”. I am scared to face those feelings again. Will they rear their ugly head when I am left to fend them off alone? I am worried I will be hanging on by my fingernails, but I just cut my nails today, so I might not be able to hang on very long. Depression, please don’t visit me this week. Please let me have peace, you are not welcome in my home. Do not get comfortable; do not knock on my door because I will not let you in.
8-10-09
I had a therapy session. My therapist is an older woman who is very quiet. Sometimes we just sit in silence for about 30 seconds. It’s hard for me to open up and she is content to just sit there with me. It’s interesting and sometimes uncomfortable. I feel obligated to fill the silence, but with what? This is a stranger can she be trusted? I am sure she can, but I haven’t decided if I want to trust her yet.
Husband went to work this afternoon. I felt emotions boiling up. I was worried I would spiral out of control. I called my mom and told her everything that was happening. She was speechless. She felt frustrated that she did not understand what I felt and was too far away to help. I told her that during this time, I was not capable of thinking logically or being realistic. I told her how even now, I feel no remorse for wanting to kill myself. Even staring in the face of my 14 month old, I felt no twinge of regret nor did I feel relief that I had not followed through. Does that mean I am still suicidal? Does that mean that at any moment, I will get the courage to do it? David took all the medication in our house. At first I was hurt and frustrated that he would not trust me, but why would he? Honestly, why would he trust a depressed, suicidal mother of two with a bottle of painkillers? He would be out of his mind to trust me because I don’t even trust myself. Those bottles call my name, they whisper of a life free from depression. Their sweet melody lures me in and tells me there is a way out. Maybe I need to buy some earplugs
8-9-09
Husband has been on vacation the past week. It came at the lowest point for me. As I was looking back on the situation, I realized that his break was literally a miracle for me. I know I would have been hospitalized for depression if he had not been here. It was a tender mercy of the Lord that I am able to sit at my computer and type while my family slumbers. A little over a week ago, I could see no way out. The depression just keeps coming back. I was sitting on my bed wondering how I could put an end to it. To be completely done with it and I just knew that the only way to be completely rid of it was to die. I calmly walked into my bathroom and took out the bottle of painkillers. I took 2 pills before I chickened out. I didn’t want my son to be the one to find me. I laid on my bed and fell asleep. He came home early that day, worried about me. I think it was for good reason.
I feel like a helpless baby bird. That anything can hurt my fragile state of being. I am afraid those feelings will come back and I will be too weak to ignore them, to weak to “chicken out”. I am scared to face those feelings again. Will they rear their ugly head when I am left to fend them off alone? I am worried I will be hanging on by my fingernails, but I just cut my nails today, so I might not be able to hang on very long. Depression, please don’t visit me this week. Please let me have peace, you are not welcome in my home. Do not get comfortable; do not knock on my door because I will not let you in.
8-10-09
I had a therapy session. My therapist is an older woman who is very quiet. Sometimes we just sit in silence for about 30 seconds. It’s hard for me to open up and she is content to just sit there with me. It’s interesting and sometimes uncomfortable. I feel obligated to fill the silence, but with what? This is a stranger can she be trusted? I am sure she can, but I haven’t decided if I want to trust her yet.
Husband went to work this afternoon. I felt emotions boiling up. I was worried I would spiral out of control. I called my mom and told her everything that was happening. She was speechless. She felt frustrated that she did not understand what I felt and was too far away to help. I told her that during this time, I was not capable of thinking logically or being realistic. I told her how even now, I feel no remorse for wanting to kill myself. Even staring in the face of my 14 month old, I felt no twinge of regret nor did I feel relief that I had not followed through. Does that mean I am still suicidal? Does that mean that at any moment, I will get the courage to do it? David took all the medication in our house. At first I was hurt and frustrated that he would not trust me, but why would he? Honestly, why would he trust a depressed, suicidal mother of two with a bottle of painkillers? He would be out of his mind to trust me because I don’t even trust myself. Those bottles call my name, they whisper of a life free from depression. Their sweet melody lures me in and tells me there is a way out. Maybe I need to buy some earplugs
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Slowly
So, we have been slowly packing up our house and the closing date keeps getting set back. We HAVE to be out of our apartment by the 16th. Let's hope nothing goes wrong because we are suppose to close on the 12th. We are cutting it close, but I will be neglecting you, my viewing audience, while I scrub two houses, paint, pack up, unpack, tend my 2 chillens', and do some minor repairs on our new home.
On a side note, I have found some excellent help for depression through my insurance company. I HIGHLY recommend anyone silently suffering call your insurance and see what is available.
Also, I find talking, typing about it in this case, very therapeutic. I like to voice my feelings, then they are out there and I can focus on moving past them. It's a struggle sometimes, but at least I hope in some way, I am helping someone realize they are not alone, there is help, and this feeling doesn't have to last forever.
On a side note, I have found some excellent help for depression through my insurance company. I HIGHLY recommend anyone silently suffering call your insurance and see what is available.
Also, I find talking, typing about it in this case, very therapeutic. I like to voice my feelings, then they are out there and I can focus on moving past them. It's a struggle sometimes, but at least I hope in some way, I am helping someone realize they are not alone, there is help, and this feeling doesn't have to last forever.
Monday, August 3, 2009
Teacher Appreciation
I have been enjoying making photoshop printables. I am offering these for free.
NOTE: These are for personal use only. You can NOT sell any items made from this file or any modification of this file. You can NOT sell these files or any modifications of these files. Please respect the time and effort that went into these.
NOTE: These are for personal use only. You can NOT sell any items made from this file or any modification of this file. You can NOT sell these files or any modifications of these files. Please respect the time and effort that went into these.
Cards
I have been enjoying making photoshop printables. I am offering these for free.
NOTE: These are for personal use only. You can NOT sell any items made from this file or any modification of this file. You can NOT sell these files or any modifications of these files. Please respect the time and effort that went into these.
NOTE: These are for personal use only. You can NOT sell any items made from this file or any modification of this file. You can NOT sell these files or any modifications of these files. Please respect the time and effort that went into these.
Organizing
I have been enjoying making photoshop printables. I am offering these for free.
NOTE: These are for personal use only. You can NOT sell any items made from this file or any modification of this file. You can NOT sell these files or any modifications of these files. Please respect the time and effort that went into these.
NOTE: These are for personal use only. You can NOT sell any items made from this file or any modification of this file. You can NOT sell these files or any modifications of these files. Please respect the time and effort that went into these.
Kids
I have been enjoying making photoshop printables. I am offering these for free.
NOTE: These are for personal use only. You can NOT sell any items made from this file or any modification of this file. You can NOT sell these files or any modifications of these files. Please respect the time and effort that went into these.
NOTE: These are for personal use only. You can NOT sell any items made from this file or any modification of this file. You can NOT sell these files or any modifications of these files. Please respect the time and effort that went into these.
Holiday
I have been enjoying making photoshop printables. I am offering these for free.
NOTE: These are for personal use only. You can NOT sell any items made from this file or any modification of this file. You can NOT sell these files or any modifications of these files. Please respect the time and effort that went into these.
NOTE: These are for personal use only. You can NOT sell any items made from this file or any modification of this file. You can NOT sell these files or any modifications of these files. Please respect the time and effort that went into these.
Quotes
I have been enjoying making photoshop printables. I am offering these for free.
NOTE: These are for personal use only. You can NOT sell any items made from this file or any modification of this file. You can NOT sell these files or any modifications of these files. Please respect the time and effort that went into these.
NOTE: These are for personal use only. You can NOT sell any items made from this file or any modification of this file. You can NOT sell these files or any modifications of these files. Please respect the time and effort that went into these.
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